Tuesday, February 26, 2008

A little more...

T&A at work...

(Upon arrival at the office parking garage)
T: Is there a helicopter in the building?
Everyone: ---

(Upon departure from the office parking garage)
T: That helicopter is STILL here!

A (hours later): by the way, that “helicopter” is the buzz of generators.

Sights and Smells

A: Have you noticed the smell in this place?

T: You mean like evaporated urine? YES!


A: Taste this water. It tastes weird to me.

T: (tastes the water) Yeah - like someone washed their feet in it.


A: You ordered the noodles again?

T: (Sighs) Yes. It feels the safest. (Smells the noodles and jumps back)

A: What happened?

T (about to cry): It smells like dog food...

Stay tuned for the next exciting episode!

Sunday, February 24, 2008

In the spirit of misunderstood nicknames, we follow the example set by our fearless leader, who insists on addressing our Serbian reps, Susana and Marko as S&M. Out of respect, they now also refer to themselves as S&M. I feel this logic makes us "T&A."

And now, a series of dramatic exchanges taken from real life:

Cast of Characters

(In no particular order, except the most to the least important):
T: Tina A: Ameesha
Brien: as himself (Lemna CFO) Doug: as himself (Lemna Director of Operations)
James/Akpan/Friday: drivers Sade: Lemna Nigeria office manager
George Jumbo: as himself (we don’t know what he is, but he thinks he works for Lemna and he calls himself an architect; also, manager of TLES construction)
Miriam: bought the furniture for the new Lemna offices

(A week before arrival in Nigeria)

Brien: Are you going to be in Lagos next week?
A: Yes.
Brien: Okay. Are you aware of the rodent problem in the guesthouse?
A: ---
Brien: Good luck. (haughty chuckling)

(At King Tejuoso’s 70th birthday party)

Guard Man: Ell bye raiite beck
T: I don’t know
Guard Man: Ell-ee byeee baiic
T: I don’t KNOW!
Guard Man (to A this time): I’m just coming back now.
A (getting a good whiff of BO from GM’s armpit): ---
A turns away to vomit (a little) in her mouth.
Guard Man (to T again): Aiyyllll beee baaaiiccc
T: I don’t speak Yoruba!
Guard Man: …I’m speaking ENGLISH! I’LL BE RIGHT BACK!
T (to A): Why didn’t he say so?

(At King Tejuoso’s 70th birthday party, immediately upon arrival)

T: Is there a bathroom I could use?
Random server girl 1: Okay, a toilet? Uhh NO.
T: Is there a bathroom here?
Random server girl 2: Here? No.
T: Seriously – there are a thousand people here, am I the ONLY one who needs to pee?
** T&A eventually found a bathroom outside the grounds, but it required a trek behind "Guard Man" who didn’t know where he was going, past chickens pecking at the ground and people with no feet, walking with their hands in flip flops. Needless to say, the toilet didn’t flush and the toilet seat was conveniently removed and propped up against the wall. A thinks this might be commonplace in Nigeria, as it also was the case in Taraba State, but, she insists, "let’s not ‘GO’ there."

Please note the double entendre.

(After being stuck for two hours in traffic. T insists that she was "very tired.")

T: Is South China Airlines a good airline?
A: Umm. I guess so.
T: Do we ever fly on it?
A: Not that I know of – why?
T: I was thinking we could take it to Abuja, because I’m worried about Nigerian domestic airlines, the safety.
A: Well lots of reliable airlines fly from here to Abuja. (Puzzled expression)
T: Well I was just saying South China Airlines because it’s so close.
A (pause to stare): No, Tina – we would still have to go to the airport. These are just the offices. No planes here.
T: Right. Okay. That’s what I thought…


Pulling a Moji – refers to taking a clandestine break from hardships when one knows others must persevere and suffer (otherwise known to those Christians out there as "martyrdom," though those Sikh writers have no knowledge of such things). Believed to be derived from the actions of Moji, the wife of Prince Lanre (eldest son of King Tejuoso) when during the King’s birthday party she escaped the heat and claustrophobia by retreating to her hotel room to take a nap, shower and change clothes. Meanwhile, T&A were melting in their robes. Dying of thirst and hunger. Needing to pee. And going deaf. Amen.

Stay tuned for the next exciting episode!